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2004-07-14 - 9:26 a.m.

I dreamed the other night that I was sitting at a pic nic table in a little park area in front of what was my apartment or home. My father was at the table across from me reading the paper. I was eating toast. My step mother walked by heading into the house and she said "I need you inside to plan the party." My father said to me as I was getting up: "tell her that I am insatiable."

I went into the house and told her and she said: "I know, I heard him." I said

"You heard him? I did not know that you could hear him too." She said that she had always been able to.

The he came to the doorway of the house and she said that he could not come in, he could only be in the courtyard. I thought that this was better than nothing but did not believe that he hung around outside waiting to be with us. I said to him "You must really want to be alive to hang out here." He looked so hurt, and he turned and walked away. I could not believe how insensitive I was. It was the same look that he gave me the night before he died, like he wanted to say something.

I wonder what he was thinking when he gave me that look. I know that he did not want to say it because he did not want to break down.

I can almost feel what he wanted to say, and I believe it was about the twins.

Pam sent us away, saying that they needed to sleep. I went like a little sheep.

But there is noting to regret, it would never be enough.

Take care of him God.


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